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I didn’t know what to do with that. I couldn’t reconcile my memories with the man who had left my house that night. I couldn’t process it then and I still couldn’t. It still left me feeling unsettled. The whole thing should have felt finished, but instead I felt like I’d had no closure. There were still too many questions that I’d never have answered. It made me doubt everything and now I couldn’t help but question everything.
Time.
I just needed time.
That’s what everyone says. I just had to wait it out.
Someday I would stop caring. At some point I would heal.
But for now, as much progress as I’d made, I was still hurting. Maybe I always would. Maybe I’d never get back to where I’d been. Some days I thought that would be for the better. If I kept everything at a distance then I could protect myself. I could avoid that empty feeling that I’d been carrying around for so long.
It was in the quiet moments when I was home alone that I let the pain out. No one else had to see, no one else had to know that there were still times when I’d put on his shirt and cry myself to sleep. No one needed to know that I was still that weak. It didn’t happen often, but it did happen. I wasn’t about to admit that sometimes, in those weak moments I still fantasized about him showing up at my door and telling me he was sorry and that he still loved me. And while I told myself should that ever happen that I would slam said door in his face, I doubted my resolve. I was still too raw.
It was a slow road. Each day I took a step forward, but it was hard. William helped me. I wondered sometimes if I was using him as a distraction or a way to fill some of the emptiness. I didn’t want to be that person. It was true, I didn’t have the same spark with him that I had had with Owen. I didn’t feel fireworks or electricity when we touched, but he brought me calm and he made me feel safe and for now, that was exactly what I needed.
With Owen things had always felt kind of frenzied. My emotions had been on full alert all the time. He could look at me and make me forget everything else. When he touched me, even the smallest of touches I felt fire. It was all consuming and risky. It was everything. And when it was gone it had left me feeling like half of me was missing. Maybe that’s what happens when you go all in and lose. Maybe all you can expect to get back is half.
It was confusing. Each step was shaky. Each move questioned. I was different and I told myself that that was okay, that I would be stronger for it. It wouldn’t always be this hard.
When I got home I went to my dresser to find something to sleep in. I picked up the faded gray shirt and held it to my face, inhaling the faint scent of him that still remained on the fabric. It made my breath catch and I felt the prick of tears sting my eyes. For a moment I let it take me, the memory of his face, his voice, the feel of his skin against my own. But I refused to let myself go down the rabbit hole tonight. I put the shirt back into the drawer and stood up straighter.
It was all about the small steps.
2
Ally
By the time Cassie picked me up the next night, I was ready for the distraction. There was something about a good girl’s night out; it was like therapy. I had on a pair of tight jeans and a sparkly red tank top that draped in all the right places and clung to my cleavage, showing just enough to still be classy. I wasn’t looking for male attention, but I felt pretty good and I was ready for a little bit of dancing. Making sure to put a black elastic band on my wrist, I gave myself one last look in the mirror before considering my look complete.
Cassie knocked on the door, prompt as always. I slid my phone, my id, and my credit card into my pocket and met her at the door. I opened it to find her looking like a freaking goddess. She was all golden light, with her blond hair falling in waves across her shoulders and her gold top complimenting her tanned skin. She was a living doll.
“Wow, Cass, you look amazing. I’m going to have to be your bodyguard tonight,” I smiled.
She laughed, “You better bring your big stick. I’ve got my dancing boots on.” She did a little spin to show off her outfit. Her boots were indeed fabulous.
“Don’t worry. I’ve got you covered.”
“You ready? Happy times?” she asked. She asked me these questions a lot. Happy times? Sad times? Angry times? She was the only one to see me at every stage. There was a time not so long ago that you never knew which version you were gonna get. I was happy to say that the fluctuation had died down a lot in recent weeks. I was feeling more like myself. It just happened to be a different version.
“Happy times,” I agreed.
“Good. Let’s go. The girls are meeting us there.” I followed her out to the drive and climbed into the passenger side of her white Lexus SUV. I was so lucky to have Cassie in my life. She was the best friend that a girl could ask for. She shot me straight when I needed it, and let me whine when it was all I had. She was a perfect mix of tough love and compassion. I don’t know how I’d have made it these past months without her. She was perfect.
“So, Willy was all good with you going out without him?” she asked. I laughed at her nickname for William.
“He had a poker game. He’s good. I don’t think he would tell me if he wasn’t. I don’t tend to bend on much these days,” I shrugged.
Cassie laughed. “It’s good for you to call the shots. He is hot though. You might want to reconsider that bending thing,” she smirked, eyebrow lifted suggestively.
I laughed, “Maybe,” I agreed, playing along. She knew better. She knew all about my weird sex hang up. She thought I was crazy. But she didn’t get it. She’d never been in love the way I had been; the all consuming kind that took over everything. She’d never had it and she’d never lost it, so she didn’t see the problem. And I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t really understand it either, but I knew how it felt and I just couldn’t go forward until I was ready. I’d get there eventually. But right now it still felt like a betrayal and I didn’t want to go there.
We met the girls at the bar and I settled into the big round booth that overlooked the dance floor. I’d forgotten how loud this place was, it’d been so long since I’d ventured out on the town. Most of the time I just preferred a quiet dinner or some hole-in-the wall pub, but Cassie loved it here, so I was fine with it. I’d missed these girls over the past few months and luckily they were ready to accept me back to the fold with open arms.
We ordered a round of drinks and got caught up on everything that was happening in our lives. Ashley had been dating a guy for the past few months and had stars in her eyes as she mooned over him. It made me happy to see her so happy, but I couldn’t deny that inner warning in me as if I were watching the car tick up the hill on the rollercoaster, promising fun and excitement only to have the plummet down be nothing but gut wrenching and awful. But that was my story, not hers. I just wasn’t much for thrill rides these days.
They asked me about William and seemed to believe me when I said that I was happy. No one mentioned Owen. He was old news. And for that I was grateful. We danced until my feet hurt and the warm buzz that surrounded me did wonders to clear my head. It was fun and I had been in need of some fun.
Cassie grabbed my shoulders as we danced, her long blond hair wild from the night of exertion. “Happy times!” she said, smiling.
“Happy times,” I laughed. And this time, I was pretty sure that I meant it.
On Sunday I met William for brunch. After my night out with Cassie and the girls I was feeling better. I’d needed the night out, away from my thoughts and worries. They had pumped me up and reminded me of how much fun I could have. My life and my worth didn’t need to be wrapped up in any man. Not Owen. Not William.
When I got to the table William stood and kissed me sweetly. “You look beautiful,” he smiled as I took my seat. He was always charming.
“Thanks. Sorry I’m late. I hit some traffic. I’m glad you picked the patio. I love it out here,” I smiled taking a sip of the iced tea that he’d already ordered for me.
We talked easily and he asked about my night out with the girls. I liked the way he took an interest without getting all possessive and jealous about me going out with them. He had gone to poker night and was happy with having taken home the majority of the winnings.
“Now that I’m rolling in the big bucks, what do you say I take you to the zoo and buy you ice cream?” he asked.
“Well, aren’t I a lucky girl?” I laughed. And I was. No matter what I had lingering in my past, I was lucky. I had great friends and this great guy willing to stand beside me patiently until I let the sun back in.
“Yeah? You up for it?” I could tell he loved the idea.
“Why not? I love the zoo. Will you buy me one of those plastic elephants? You know the kind from the machine?” I asked.
“You can have anything you want,” he said, kissing my cheek. I had a feeling he wasn’t just talking about the zoo.
The day turned out to be pretty great. For the first time in a long time I felt peaceful. I let William lead me from exhibit to exhibit and I realized I kind of liked the feel of my hand in his. He took care of me. He bought me the ugly plastic elephant and made sure I was able to ride the train. Just like he said he would. That carried a lot of weight with me. Even if it was trivial and silly, the fact that he came through for me gave me hope that I’d find my way back. Maybe this thing we had going would turn into something real.
When he dropped me back at my car at the restaurant later that evening I didn’t even hesitate when he leaned in to kiss me. I let him. I still didn’t feel the zing, but it was nice. He was nice. I had enjoyed the day and it wasn’t until I was home and crawling into bed that I realized I hadn’t thought about Owen all day. That was huge. The realization made me both happy and mournful. I wanted to move on, but the idea of him being completely gone from my life still managed to make me sad.
*****
Maybe people who said that time could heal all wounds were on to something. Granted, I didn’t feel healed, not by a long shot, but life felt like it was starting to get easier. At least it felt more manageable. I was finally starting to settle into my new normal and learning to enjoy myself there. It felt good. It felt positive. For the first time in a long time I felt like there was hope of healing. Real healing, not just the fake kind I put on to keep people from worrying about me. I was going to embrace it and run with it. It would only get easier.
So, I decided that it was time to jump in full force. First, I needed to quit avoiding the places that reminded me of Owen and our time together. I needed to live life the way I wanted and stop hiding from memories and what-could-have-beens. I couldn’t keep treating Nashville like a ghost town. This was my home and I loved it here. I couldn’t let him take it away from me. I was finding my footing again and the energy that it gave me was refreshing.
When William offered to cook me dinner at his place that weekend I had agreed, even knowing that he probably hoped for more than dinner. I still wasn’t sure I was ready to take that step with him, but I had to at least go there and give the poor guy a chance. He had been good to me these past few months. He’d been patient and kind and kindness wasn’t a trait I took for granted. I knew it would take effort to open myself up to him more, but I was going to try.
It was with this new attitude that I ventured out to one of my favorite places in town. The Living Room was a quaint little coffee shop with secret nooks that encouraged you to sit and stay for awhile. I loved going there. It was my secret place and I hadn’t been there since…well since before.
I sunk back into the soft cushions of the bench seat tucked away in the back of the room. I loved that I could come here, grab a coffee and sit in the corner undisturbed and read for hours if I wanted to. Or I could simply people watch and read the stories of those around me. It was peaceful and it provided a sort of escape from my day-to-day. I’d brought Owen here a few times, which was why this was one of my first trips back in a long time. He was everywhere around me now. All of my favorite places had memories of him tied to them and it made it hard to find the simple magic that I had found in them before. But returning to them was part of healing.
I sipped my coffee and watched the people milling about in line. A few others, like me, were settled in to enjoy the atmosphere for the long haul. I saw a familiar girl in the opposite corner tapping away on her laptop. I wondered if she was writing a book. She looked so focused and her fingers raced across the keys with determination. I was lost in watching her for a long moment when something pulled me away; a deep voice, distant, but distinct.
You know how you can be in a room where the radio is on so low that you can’t make out what is playing, but then you hear the first notes of your favorite song and suddenly you can make out every note, every lyric? That’s how it was. Only what I heard wasn’t my favorite song, it was my favorite sound in the world.
My eyes locked in on the man at the counter ordering. My heart slammed against my chest and I had to blink to make sure that I wasn’t imagining things. What was he doing here? Why was Owen in my coffee shop? I watched as he took his change and I forced my eyes down to my ereader before he caught me staring. Maybe he wouldn’t see me hiding in the corner. I didn’t want to talk to him. I couldn’t. Why was he here? My entire body was humming with electricity. I was a ball of chaos, wanting to be near him, needing to be far away. I focused on the words on the screen, pretending to be engrossed in them, even though they were nothing but a blur. I didn’t dare look up to see if he was gone.
“Ally?”
There it was, the voice that caused all of my resolve to shatter in an instant. I didn’t look up. I didn’t want to see his face up close. I didn’t want to see his eyes or the stubble that lined his jaw. I didn’t want him here. How dare he invade my space? I inhaled a slow breath to steady myself.
“I thought that was you,” he said. I couldn’t hide. I couldn’t ignore him. But I was so afraid to look up and see his face, afraid it might make me crumble, that I would betray myself and show him all of the feelings that were warring within me. I steeled myself for a moment, looked up and tried not to flinch when I saw his easy smile.
“Owen,” I said flatly, in way of greeting.
His smile was wide and bright. It annoyed me. I didn’t need him acting like he was happy to see me. I didn’t need him at all.
“Mind if I sit for a minute?” he asked, pulling out the chair in front of my table and sitting before I could refuse. I just stared at him, trying to piece together how it was that he was sitting in front of me.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, working hard to leave all emotion out of my voice. I needed to be indifferent to his presence. I didn’t want him to know that he still had the power to affect me.
“Getting coffee,” he said simply. His mouth quirked up, revealing the familiar smirk that so often had infuriated me. He was so comfortable and it pissed me off. But then why wouldn’t he be? The whole thing had meant nothing to him. I was the one who had let it consume her life and couldn’t quite shake it away even after all of this time.
“I meant, why are you in Nashville? Are you in town visiting Granny?” I asked.
He held my eyes for a long moment before answering. “I live here now. In Nashville,” he said, leaning back and taking a slow sip of his coffee. I could tell he was waiting for my reaction and I fought hard not to give him one. He was in Nashville? What the hell?
“You moved to Nashville?” I asked, still trying to process his words.
“I did. About six months ago,” he offered.
Six months ago? He’d been in Nashville this whole time. He’d been here the entire time I’d been working through this mountain of hurt and regret. Why would he move back now? When we’d been together he’d put everything else before us. His work had meant more to him than I had. I thought he’d never leave Chicago and then as soon as he
threw me aside he was back? In my city? It pissed me off and it hurt more than I was ready to admit. I could feel the fragile scabs of my heart begin to break loose, the familiar pain flooding my insides once again. I tried to reel in my emotions. I just needed to get a grip. I was dying to ask him why, but I didn’t want him to know that I cared.
“You look good,” he said. His eyes ran a silent inventory and it made me uncomfortable. I crossed my arms across my chest defensively. It was the only protection that I could find in this moment. I said nothing.
Owen leaned back, still studying me quietly. Maybe he was waiting for me to speak, but I didn’t trust myself with words. I couldn’t stand the idea of showing him any weakness. I’d done enough of that. I wouldn’t let him in. Not anymore.
“You’re different,” he said finally, peering over his cup as he took another drink of his coffee. I couldn’t help it, I glared at him. I could feel fire ignite in my belly and I worked to keep the anger covered. Of course I was different. Was he not going to take any responsibility for that? His smugness was annoying. So was the way his proximity made my heart beat fast. I hated that. He was so calm and collected and I was just a broken poser faking my way through everything.
“I am different,” I said evenly. He gave a slight nod, but didn’t say anything else. I wished he would just leave. I needed space. I needed to be alone, but he looked so comfortable and seemed to have no intentions of going anywhere.
“What do you want, Owen?” I asked finally.
“I saw you over here. I wanted to say hi. I miss you,” he said simply.
I grabbed my kindle and my bag and went to stand up. I wasn’t going to sit here and let him play me for a fool again. I didn’t have to stay here and listen to him. I had already stayed too long.